Getting my head straight

 If you somehow stumbled on this blog, go away, shoo. It's not for public consumption.  I just needed to try something to get my head straight, to talk out loud, and came back to my blogging roots. 

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I am struggling to set up the trajectory for this last portion of my life. Which is kind of funny, since there's been nothing organized or thought out about the rest of my life, so why should I start now? Well, because my life has been a mess, is why, and I am definitely not getting younger. So I would like to have some inkling of a plan, some sketched-out roadmap that I can refer to, to keep me from just spiralling. To keep me sorta-motivated, to prevent me just bed-rotting during my free time. To give me some sense of purpose. I mean, mortality lies in any direction I go, so why not choose a direction I'm at least vaguely comfortable with?

The problem is, I can't focus or get anything done in a consistent fashion. I struggle to accomplish short term goals, so how the fuck am I gonna work towards anything long term?

Okay. Let's start with current difficulties, limiting the scope to me. I am still plagued with the McClung curse - the inability to follow through. I thought I had defeated it by writing ten fucking books, but nah. First, I hit writer's block/burnout hard, and havent finished anything in years. Second and more immediately infuriating, I have an awful procrastination issue (actually it's avolition or amotivation): Right now I have three classes' worth of paragraphs to grade for the Academic Writing course I'm teaching, they are overdue, and I cannot make myself just fucking do it. I'm camped out here in Cafe Nero until it gets done today, but still, I could be knocking them out right this very minute, and instead I'm writing this. Just another symptom of the disease.

So this is ADHD avolition (pardon me while I self-diagnose). I've looked at a lot of different possible causes, and nothing fits perfectly, but this ticks the most boxes. I'm basically going to have to deal with this if I'm to have any hope of having a self-directed future.

Google searches all bring up pretty much the same advice:

• set goals
• build routines
• break up stasks into smaller pieces
• exercise
• self-compassion
• have hobbies/pursue meaningful activities
• build social support system
• mindfulness to avoid anxiety/spinout
• limit distractions (doomscrolling etc.)
• Visualization techniques: Imagining ourselves getting started on tasks, progressing through challenging activities, or accomplishing goals can inspire motivation

Some other advice:

1. The Daily Brain Dump

Staying organized can be one of the biggest challenges for someone with ADHD. Being bombarded with too many thoughts at once may also cause you to feel overwhelmed, especially when you try to organize them all in your head. So, what you can do instead is an ADHD “brain dump.” Here’s how it works:

• Write down your thoughts on a digital document, paper, or Post-It note.
• Review and eliminate those that you don’t really need.
• Prioritize and organize the thoughts and tasks left on the list, then split them into different categories or deadlines.
• Add them to your Google Calendar to track and receive automated reminders of your due dates and events.

A written list of the tasks and projects you need to complete makes it easier to organize them.

4. Focus on Completion, Not Perfection

It’s best to let perfection go while doing your work. Processing too many details at once may leave you feeling overwhelmed. Instead, focus on completing the task. After finishing each sub-task or small milestone, you may quickly refer back to the instructions to ensure you’re on track.

Also, try to be realistic about how much you can accomplish. Taking on more work than you can manage or designating too little time for each task will only lead to excess stress and pressure.

5. Make Room for Rewards

One fantastic way to boost your ADHD motivation is by intentionally creating space to celebrate your achievements and reward yourself. The reward doesn’t have to be extravagant; you can simply treat yourself to something that helps you relax or brings you joy after completing a tedious or mundane chore. This can be as simple as enjoying your favorite chocolate, listening to your favorite music, or having a nice meal at a quiet restaurant.

So what can I do but try? I don't know what else to say at the moment, but this is here, a starting point for me to return to when I go for the next push, be it hours or days.